I received an email from a very nice person claiming to be Nigel and he asks some intriguing questions. I decided to ask Meatsicle Matt to answer them publicly, since then it's more like he's being interviewed for an important magazine. And I asked him to answer in all CAPS and using an excessive amount of exclamation points! Mostly because it's more irritating, but also because then you can imagine he's screaming. WHICH HE IS!
Disclaimer: Neither I nor Meatsicle Matt is the creator of the HATS of MEAT website. I simply host it here for all to see and enjoy. But still, I feel compelled to have these questions answered on behalf of the creators. Hopefully, they would approve of Matt's answers.
Please welcome Nigel, who is joined by MEATSICLE MATT. Nigel has some important questions to ask, and Meatsicle Matt has some extremely unimportant answers for him.
Hey I'm doing a project on meat hats for school, and I have some questions.
THANKS FOR INVITING ME, NIGEL. I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A CELEBRITY.
1. Who invented meat hats, and what drugs were they taking?
I SUSPECT MEAT HATS GO MUCH FARTHER BACK THAN WHAT IS DOCUMENTED ON THIS SITE! MEAT HAT FASHION, IN ONE FORM OR ANOTHER, HAS BEEN AN IMPORTANT PART OF HUMAN EVOLUTION! I KNOW THIS BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THE ALIENS TOLD ME! AS FOR WHAT DRUGS THEY WERE TAKING, THE ALIENS DON'T KNOW. MY GUESS IS ANTIBIOTICS!
2. Is there really a meat hat fashion expo?
IS THERE REALLY A GOD? IS THERE REALLY A BANANA FAIRY?!? COME ON, HAVE SOME FAITH, BROTHER!
3. Is there any more photos than just the ones on your website?
OF COURSE THERE ARE MORE PHOTOS! IN FACT, THERE ARE LOADS MORE PHOTOS, BUT A QUICK SEARCH OF THE INTERNET REVEALS THAT MOST PHOTOS ARE HARD-CORE PORN, NOT OF PEOPLE WEARING HATS OF MEAT! SADLY, I HAVE YET TO SEE THE TWO COME TOGETHER IN WHAT COULD ONLY BE KNOWN AS HARD-CORE-MEAT-HAT-PORN!
4. Does wearing a hat of meat cause any diseases?
ONLY INDIRECTLY! COMMON SIDE EFFECTS INCLUDE SYPHILIS, GONORRHEA, HERPES, AND TAPE WORMS! ACTUALLY, THAT LAST ONE IS A DIRECT SIDE EFFECT OF WEARING MEAT HATS! THE OTHER PROBLEMS ARE MORE OF A PERSONAL ISSUE.
5. Do people actually wear them every day, or were they worn just for the website?
NOBODY WEARS A MEAT HAT JUST FOR A WEBSITE, THAT WOULD BE STUPID! BUT THEY ARE NOT WORN EVERY DAY EITHER! THEY ARE SOMETHING TO BE CREATED AND ENJOYED, FIRST ON YOUR HEAD AND THEN BY YOUR DIGESTIVE SYSTEM. (SEE WARNING IN #4).
6. What kind of meat is wearable on your head?
THE ONE MEAT PRODUCT THAT IS MOST APPROPRIATELY NAMED TURNS OUT TO BE ONE OF THE MOST DIFFICULT TO WEAR: "HEAD CHEESE". ALSO GROUND BEEF POSES CERTAIN CHALLENGES. BUT JUST BECAUSE THESE MEATS ARE A CHALLENGE DOESN'T MEAN THEY SHOULDN'T BE WORN. THEY SHOULD BE WORN WITH PRIDE. HOWEVER, THE ONE MEAT THAT IS SURELY A FAUX PAS IS HUMAN MEAT.
7. Is there other kinds of meat clothing?
ARE THERE OTHER KINDS OF MEAT CLOTHING. AND, YES.
8. What is the REAL history behind hats of meat?
I CAN'T ANSWER THIS, BUT I CAN BURP THE ALPHABET! PERHAPS ONE DAY, THE ORIGINAL CREATORS OF HATS OF MEAT WILL CONTACT ME AND LET ME KNOW HOW IT ALL STARTED. MY WORKING THEORY IS THAT HATS OF MEAT WERE CREATED AS A REPLACEMENT FOR INEFFECTIVE TIN-FOIL HELMETS!
9. Do you smoke crack?
IF BY "SMOKE CRACK" YOU MEAN BLOW SMOKE OUT OF MY ANUS, THEN ABSOLUTELY NOT! I HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO DO A LITTLE FREEBASING EVERY NOW AND THEN, THOUGH.
10. Is there any meat hats made of teriyaki chicken?
NOT THAT I'M AWARE OF, BUT I REALLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON OUTSIDE OF MY CELL. PERHAPS THERE ARE HATS MADE NOT ONLY OF TERIYAKI CHICKEN, BUT ALSO OF TERIYAKI CHICKEN AND BEEF VINDALOO! IF YOU CAN IMAGINE IT, YOU CAN MAKE IT! I THINK ARTHUR KOESTLER CAPTURED THE ESSENCE OF MEAT HAT EXPERIMENTATION BEST WHEN HE SAID "THE PRINCIPLE MARK OF GENIUS IS NOT PERFECTION BUT ORIGINALITY". WEAR YOUR TERIYAKI CHICKEN HAT WITH GREAT PRIDE, AND GO FORTH INTO THE STREET WITH YOUR HAT MADE OF MEAT!
I'M HERE 'TILL THURSDAY! TRY THE VEAL, IT'S DELICIOUS! THANK YOU, GOOD NIGHT!